That Damn Door
by gesticulatingwildly
Summary: What could have been if Josh had knocked on Donna's hotel room door in Season 6's King Corn.
1. Chapter 1

Josh glared at the door for the second time in a day. He'd spent all day cursing himself for not knocking on Donna's door the night before. He just wasn't expecting to see her there, let alone in the room opposite his. He was quietly terrified. More regrets were the last thing he wanted but facing her? Talking to her again?

Josh sighed as he confronted the door. Biting his lip and muttering 'fuck it' under his breath, he hammered the door more suddenly than was considered polite.

An immediate urge to run away kicked in but he froze to the spot. He could do this. He was Bartlet's Pitbull! Or at least, he used to be. When it came to this, he felt like a helpless and probably irritating puppy.

It felt like an eternity waiting. He looked down the whole time, hoping it'd somehow make him invisible.

Eventually, he heard the door slowly click as it opened. Looking up nervously, he faced Donna.

"Hi"

"What do you want, Josh?"

She looked tired. Admittedly, he knew he probably looked just as tired, and worse looking for it. He was wearing more clothes, though, while Donna had short pyjama pants on that meant he immediately noticed the long scar down her leg. It looked nastier than he'd expected.

"We need to talk," he explained. "Can I come in?"

Donna looked as if she was thinking about her answer before grudgingly replying, "I guess."

Donna moved aside, allowing Josh into her room. He took a moment to take a deep breath, away from her watchful eyes. In the same breath, he quickly looked around the room.

The bed was covered in medication boxes. Ok, not covered exactly, he admitted to himself, but more than enough. He knew Donna rarely used to take pain medication. She would grudgingly put up with any headache without backing down, muttering how she'd rather just keep hydrated. A quick glance suggested those days were in the past. Near the meds were a plentiful supply of heat pads - including one still plugged in and presumably charging. A pillow was placed quite far down the bed. He guessed that was what her leg had been resting on till he knocked.

"What's all this stuff?" He questioned.

"You come in my room and start questioning me about how neat I keep things?" She threw back at him, accusingly.

As she spoke, she walked towards the bed. Josh noticed it was an awkward walk. A kind of shuffle as if she was trying to cover for something. He suspected the things on the bed and her shuffling walk were caused by the same problem.

"Is your leg still bad? I thought it had healed up before you lef..."

He didn't finish the sentence. This wasn't how things were meant to go.

"Did you ever think to ask?"

She asked the question simply, without any real aggression behind it. The simplicity to the question still hit him hard.

"No, but I assumed you were walking around so..."

She sat down on the bed, moving to prop her leg up on the pillow.

Josh stayed standing, not entirely sure whether he was even allowed to be in her room now, let alone sitting on her bed.

"You mean like how I've been walking around on the campaign all this time?"

Josh looked dumbfounded.

"Yes, Josh. It still hurts. A lot."

Crestfallen, Josh shook his head, "I'm sorry, Donna."

"Why? You didn't do it."

She moved the now charged heat pad and placed it on her leg. Josh scratched the back of his head and looked on.

"It's just..." He started, not even sure himself what he was going to say next.

"What, Josh?" She glared as she said it.

This wasn't going how he wanted it to.

He took a deep breath as he moved towards her bed, perching himself on the edge of it. He looked away from her, clutching his hands tightly together.

"I miss you."

He'd never felt so nervous in his life before. Just by voicing this to her, he felt like he was saying too much.

"Josh, I..."

Josh interrupted her, "I need to say this, Donna..."

She returned to silence, watching his back, wishing he'd turn and show his face.

"I didn't think I'd miss you. I know that's not what you're meant to say in these situations, but I didn't. I miss enough people. I thought one more wouldn't be a big deal but..."

His voice cracked as he stumbled over his words. Donna could feel her anger dissipating.

"I just didn't realise this would be so hard," he practically whispered.

Donna moved to reach out to him.

"Josh..." She uttered, placing one hand on his shoulder supportively.

Josh tensed as he felt her hand brushing his shoulder, before getting up and stepping away from the bed.

He looked towards the window, still not turning to look at her.

"I screwed up and I don't know what to do. I kept not wanting you to take new opportunities, then I thought I'd send you to Gaza and look what happened," Josh sighed.

Donna could see his shoulders slump as he said it.

"Then? I was so pleased to have you back. For you to still be you. That I didn't want to face that you were struggling so much. It was so scary seeing you in that hospital."

He paused for a beat, "I wish it had been me."

"Josh..." Donna got off the bed and slowly stumbled towards him.

"You didn't deserve to suffer like that. And you didn't deserve me to treat you like I did."

Donna stopped a pace or two away from Josh. Josh paused for a moment.

"You deserve better than all of this, and for your leg to be so screwed up," he finished.

"You think I deserve my leg to be this screwed up?" Donna said with a hint of mirth in her voice.

"Don..." Josh stuttered.

"I know what you meant, Josh. It was meant to lighten the mood."

"Oh," Josh turned to look at Donna. He refused to look her in the eye, though.

"Josh, look at me." Donna announced forcefully.

Josh looked up slowly. Almost sullenly. It was hard not to notice that he really did look quite broken, as well as exhausted.

Donna sighed at the sight, before she said what needed saying.

"Josh, you're an idiot."

He recoiled slightly in surprise at such a declaration.

Donna moved to sit back down on the bed now she had his attention. She propped her leg up carefully.

"I say this because I love you, but you've got to stop blaming yourself for everything. This..." She glared as she pointed back and forth between them, "is down to both of us. Both of us being stupid at different times."

Josh raised his eyebrows in surprise. Before he had a chance to speak, Donna interrupted him.

"You being more stupid than me, obviously."

He nodded in agreement, looking thoughtful for a moment.

"Wait a second," he said. The penny had finally dropped. "Did you just say you love me?"

His eyes lit up as he focused on her. The most they'd lit up in what felt like months.

She smiled gently at him, appreciating the reaction.

"Yes, Josh, I do. Even if that makes me nearly as stupid as you," she smirked.

Josh grinned back at her, elated at the response. He moved towards her, sitting on the bed now, almost within touching distance of her.

"So, now what?" He asked timidly.

"We talk," Donna replied quickly.

Josh nodded, moving his hand to clasp hers gently. She folded her hand into his and briefly appreciated how it looked.

"Not tonight, though," she concluded.

Confused, Josh went to question her remark just as she continued.

"We both need some sleep. We can come back to this."

"I guess..." Josh answered uncertainly, rising from the bed but not yet releasing Donna's hand.

"Go get some sleep, Joshua," Donna said softly, trying to give him a reassuring smile.

"K," he replied, finally letting go of her hand, and moving towards the door.

He turned by the door to look at her.

"Sleep well," he quietly uttered, mustering the warmest smile possible at such a late hour.

She smiled as he opened the door and left.

As he stepped towards his own hotel room door, he realised he'd never said he loved her too.


	2. Chapter 2

Opening the door after two failed attempts at swiping his way in, he sighed in frustration as he walked through the door.

Why didn't he say anything?! It was the perfect opportunity, and he'd blown it. She'd said it. Why couldn't he? She. Said. It. He paused for a moment.

Donna said she loved him. Him. Josh Lyman. Fuck up extraordinaire. He let it sink in for a moment. Did she really mean it? She said it so presumably she meant it. She seemed pretty happy about it. Then again she didn't want to talk any more, and shouldn't they have kissed at least?

He settled on his bed and sighed to himself. Shaking his head and running one hand through his hair, he thought about it. Had their brief chat really gone that well? He wasn't convinced. He had so much more to say to her and really...Really, he knew she could do so much better than him. She really should do better than him.

Clasping his hands together, resisting the urge to punch a wall, he looked down at one hand. He could still see the thin line of the scar left from that Christmas. It was fairly faint now. The doctor had done a good job of stitching it up after Donna had forced him to go to the ER, but it was still there. A harsh reminder that he couldn't always trust himself. He sighed again and laid down on the bed. Not bothering to get undressed, he simply stared up at the ceiling, thinking back to that Christmas. It was a simultaneously awful and wonderful memory.

He hated the memory of how he felt back then, but the time spent with Donna felt so precious. How it was so natural to end up curled up on a sofa with her watching a movie. How had so much changed since then? It soon turned into his last thought for the night as his eyes eventually closed for a few hours.

The next day was flying by for Josh. He almost felt like he didn't have the time to think about the night before. He still found it, though. Almost like some kind of lovesick puppy - a part of him that he thought was long gone - he was hanging on for when he could meet up and talk with Donna. Maybe even tell her how he feels. Maybe kiss her. Maybe caress...

"Josh?"

Snapping out of his daydream, he realised he'd missed an important cue. Ronna was standing in front of him looking puzzled. They were definitely in their makeshift campaign planning room, and not Donna's bedroom.

"Josh? What do you think we should do?"

He had no idea what she'd been talking about.

"Ask Lou. She'll know," he practically growled, trying to regain control of the situation.

Ronna frowned, "but she told me to ask you?"

Offense was the best form of defense, he decided.

"Go back to her and tell her she needs to make her own damn decisions sometimes," he snapped.

Ronna looked alarmed at his attitude, muttered agreement, and scurried off.

He sighed but figured she'd get over it. He had bigger worries.

It was a couple of hours later that he realised he could finally slink away, and maybe Donna might be free too.

Sitting in the hotel restaurant alone, he saw some of the Russell campaign staff returning from what he assumed had been a busy day of canvassing.

Josh tried not to stare as he looked around the group to see if Donna was there. He looked back towards the door and spotted her. She was walking in slowly, laughing with another campaign worker. A male worker, he noticed. He knew it wasn't his place to feel jealous but he could feel it rising up. Then again, the guy did look like he was barely out of college...but he also had a full head of hair. Josh resisted glaring. A wise move, as Donna suddenly turned and saw him.

He smiled nervously at her. Almost shyly. She returned the expression before turning to her companion, seemingly to say goodbye to him.

Josh looked down at the table, trying to pretend he wasn't focused on what she was doing. Eventually, she walked over and sat opposite him.

"Hi," he began.

"Hi."

"How was your day?"

And so it started. A blur of small talk that Josh hardly even took in fully. Throughout, he was simply wondering 'what happened?'. It was as if both their guards had gone back up over the course of the day.

Out of the blue, Donna had muttered how she was tired and really needed to head back to her room, and that was that. She was gone. Josh wasn't even sure if he'd actually remembered to say goodbye to her.

He scowled to himself as he slumped back into the restaurant seat. He really hoped Donna wasn't going to see where that young campaign worker had got to. He wouldn't blame her if she did, though. Probably.

Nursing his drink, he felt increasingly self pitying. This really wasn't how he expected things to go. He'd screwed up and he didn't even know how. He didn't know how...Wait a minute, he thought. What if it hadn't been his fault? What if the world didn't revolve around him just once, and that it was some kind of issue of hers. It almost made sense.

That was the moment he decided he had to go confront her.

"Donna!" He yelled at the door as he banged on it with one fist.

Donna flung the door open and glared at him.

"Josh. Keep your voice down! We're in a hotel," she growled.

He realised that maybe a couple of drinks while tired wasn't the smartest of ideas but ran with it anyhow.

"I need to talk to you!"

"Can't it wait till morning?" She barked back at him.

"You know it can't," he muttered as he stepped forward a little.

"Fine," she visibly tensed a little as she moved aside, allowing him entry to the room.

Josh walked into the room, noticing a similar set up to the night before. He watched as she shuffled over to the bed, sitting down and turning to glare at him.

"What happened with us?" He started, softer than before.

Donna's eyebrows rose up in surprise, "seriously?"

Josh looked nervous, sensing this was far too different to the atmosphere of last night, "well...yeah!"

Donna looked away for a moment, looking down to the floor as she answered.

"The same as it always does...or it will do."

Josh frowned with confusion.

"I don't get it. What happened?"

He begun to pace nervously around the room, but his eyes never left Donna, as much as it was paining him to see her try to avoid his gaze.

"You..." Donna paused for a moment, and looked up at him.

"...I don't want to upset you, Josh," she finished.

"You won't. You can't!" He exclaimed, noticing his voice getting a little higher than it really should. He could feel things slipping away from him, though, and it was making him feel incredibly anxious.

Donna sighed and watched him.

"You swooped in with this great idea and these wishes for us," she begun. "And I know it won't last. It can't."

Josh stopped pacing dead in front of her and opened his mouth in shock.

"What? Of course, it can! I want it to! I want a future together!"

She looked solemnly up at him, watching how sad his eyes had suddenly turned. It made what she had to say next even harder.

"I know you want to do those things, but I know you," Donna explained, biting her lip slightly before she finished. "It's actually doing those great ideas that you suck at."

Josh was stunned into silence as he knelt on the floor in front of her - the wind seemingly knocked out of him.

Donna continued, knowing this was her one shot.

"I need someone who'll be there. No matter what. Someone whose very presence means I know it'll be alright. That's what I deserve."

Josh looked at her with tears in his eyes.

Practically whispering, he replied, "I can do that."

Donna sighed ever so softly as she faced him.

"No, Josh. You want to do that but you can't guarantee that. Something always comes up and I'm always second choice. I deserve more."

"But..." Josh stuttered, briefly struggling to know what to do or say.

He took her hand in his. Even her hand somehow felt different to last night, as ridiculous as that sounded in his head.

Squeezing it, he whispered, "I love you," before looking away from her, practically recoiling in fear at what might come next.

Donna gulped, "I love you too, Joshua, but..."

"Don't," Josh stood up, still not turning to look at her.

"Josh..." She started.

"I get it, Donna," Josh snapped ever so slightly.

Walking towards the door, he turned and looked at her. Took her beauty in one last time. Hated the fact that he'd made her cry. Yet again.

"I'm sorry, Donna. You're right. You do deserve better," he softly finished as he opened the door and walked out.


End file.
